Open-Faced Club Sandwich

The necessities.

2008-12-08T10:46:00.000-08:00

Here are the movies I HAVE to watch at Christmastime each year, or it ain't Christmas:
Christmas Vacation
White Christmas
A Christmas Story
Scrooged
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the cartoon, not the Jim Carrey one)

Bonus Props go to:
Elf
Bad Santa
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Home Alone
(they aren't necessities, per se. But I try to watch these too.

How about you?

Mildly Insane

2008-11-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

That, my friends, is a picture of a buoy.

I took this test on SanityScore.com and found out that I have a sanity level of 58. I'm not sure how sane or insane that makes me, but there it is. Do you ever find yourself lying to quizzes? Like somehow the computer will judge you? I do that. (ie- "Do you ever eat when you're not hungry?" "No..... only CRAZY people do that...")

So I should probably be looking harder for a job. But.... you know. Meh. I'm getting a paycheck once a week, damnit!

Not much else is going on, but I felt like I should blog. Lets see... The stores are all decked-out for Christmas already and its pissing me off. I've been trying to ignore it (using my keen tunnel vision) until at least the week of Thanksgiving. Seriously, I do not need to hear "White Christmas" playing at my QFC on November 1st, still all hungover from Halloween night, thank you.

Also, my foot is falling asleep. And I have a ganglion cyst in my hand. Its this pea-sized bump under my skin and its starting to annoy me. I watched this video on youtube of someone popping one of these and squeezing out the white "vaseline-like" goo. It has piqued my interest.....

Cuban Dexter

2008-11-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

James and I have decided (long ago) that Dexter is actually cubano, and he enjoys cuban music, rum-centric drinks, and pulled-pork sandwiches. All while wearing a panama hat.

Yes, we ARE that insane.

(Also- Minerva is a Nordic girl who enjoys hiking, sun-bathing, and sipping martinis while in the city with her friends).

Things That Make You Want to Rip Your Hair Out

2008-10-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

I could say a lot of things about the VP Debate. A LOT of things. But one in particular comes to mind:

It's pronounced NU-CLE-AR. Not NU-CU-LAR. For fuck's sake people!!!! Why???

McCain said it. Palin said it. Are they retarded?!?! Or are they just trying to gain points with the inbred, uneducated hicks of America?

Rant over.

Word Association

2008-09-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

"Grossly unqualified"

"Tapeworm"

That's right bee-atches.

2008-09-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm back.

It's been some time. And now I'm unemployed! What a perfect time to resume bloggage. Ok, so here's my life in a nutshell:

Me and James are "looking" for a new apartment. By looking I mean: we're moving into the unit below us. That's right. Directly below us. And identical in most ways, although it shall be "renovated". With track lighting!!!

I am unemployed! And I'm waiting for an unemployment check estimate. And then a check... I've never done this before. It is kind of exciting, yet kind of feels naughty.

I need a kitten. It happens sometimes.

I'm in full-fledged "health-mode". I have two (count 'em) TWO physical therapists, one exercise ball (65 inches) and one self-obsessed mentality, fully focused on my every muscle.

I'm COMPLETELY ready for Fall and/or Halloween. Its the most wonderful time of the year!

I'm back kiddos. With a vengeance. Or maybe just an "I'm sorry I've been gone so long".
Cheers!

A very nerdy rant.

2008-05-26T13:55:00.001-07:00

The good news is that Guillermo Del Toro (of Pan's Labyrinth fame) will be directing a 2-part The Hobbit! Hot damn!

The bad news is that I really don't think Ian Holm will be playing Bilbo, the central character. Granted, Bilbo is supposed to be 50 years old in The Hobbit (as opposed to 111, as in The Fellowship of the Ring), but he did play himself as a 50 year-old man in a flashback in FOTR. They had to tape his facial skin back and airbrush him into oblivion, but they made it work.

Now, I've just re-read The Hobbit, all the while picturing a younger Ian Holm. And when I watch some totally new person play Bilbo alongside the same Gandalf (oh yes, Ian McKellen will be reprising) its going to ruin it for me. Utterly ruin it.

Lets just hope they give ol' Ian a face-lift and have done with it.

It's on.

2008-04-23T22:22:00.001-07:00

Most of you know about our microwave. For those of you who don't, its so filthy fucking disgusting that it has its own ecosystem. It does. I'm pretty sure we've invented a few new species with this thing.

You might also know that since I clean everything that is horrible and disgusting in our apartment, I have been refusing to clean the filthy beast for months. It's James' job. He knows it, too. This last Sunday we were kindly offered a free CLEAN microwave from Sue *tip the hat to Sue*, and James refused because "we have a perfectly good microwave at home that just needs to be cleaned." Sue said, OK, but you need to promise to clean it TOMORROW. He said OK. He didn't. Then, on Monday, he promised me: I'll clean it tomorrow. I promise.

It didn't happen. Its Wednesday. I've threatened to dump his ass if it isn't clean by midnight on Thursday.
I'll keep you updated.

As promised.

2008-04-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm posting my paper fresh-from-the-turning-in. I thought I would condense my paper a little bit for geniality's sake, but what the hay. I also thought I would spruce it up because I'm not the proudest of my grammar and syntax, but what-evs. I am proud of the content. So ignore the rest!
Here it is, cliche-ness and lamity of it all. Also-the form didn't transfer completely from Word, but you get the idea. I've highlighted the "sexy-points" so you guys can tell when the information is getting interesting.

There are various reasons to eat less meat. Doctors have warned against the over-consumption of meat for health reasons for decades. Animal rights groups have pleaded consumers to acknowledge the cruel practices of the meat industry and go vegan or vegetarian. Now scientists are urging the community to reduce our meat consumption in an effort to help save our environment, as many reports and studies are proving a link between pollution and the devastation of eco-systems and the meat and fish industries.

The old image of wide, open ranges and cattle ranchers is transforming into vast factory farms, machinery, and cages. Around the turn of the 20^th century the Industrial Revolution transformed the meat and fish industries, bringing machinery, efficiency, and productivity to the forefront. Upton Sinclair was one of the first critics of the revolutionized meat industry in his muckraker classic, The Jungle. His work opened the eyes of the community to the evils of the industry, prompting regulations and government control. Most people assume to this day that the government protects our interests regarding what we eat, that strict regulations ensure a healthy product, a healthy working environment, and a healthy community. The trouble with this assumption is that the regulations are not only insufficient, they are seldom enforced. According to Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation,

The meat-packing industry’s response to The Jungle established a pattern

that would be repeated throughout the twentieth century, whenever health

concerns were raised about the nation’s beef. The industry has denied that

problems exist. [Its] strategy has been driven by a profound antipathy to

any government regulation that might lower profits.[i]

This lax enforcement of regulations is accompanied by massive government subsidies, aimed at keeping prices low for the consumer.[ii] So, what exactly is wrong with the meat industry? How does it effect the environment? First of all, the meat industry uses 70 percent of the world’s agricultural land for production.[iii] Much of this land is used to produce the feed to support their operations, as factory farms are quickly replacing open-air ranching. This land is being used inefficiently. A 2.5 acre plot of land can produce enough cabbage to feed 23 people, whereas the same land could only feed 2 people from chicken, and 1 person from beef.[iv] This data is disturbing, considering the fact that 70 percent of our usable land is being used to feed so few, especially as population levels skyrocket. In the coming years, we simply won’t have the resources to continue this way.

In addition to the poor usage of our limited land, the meat industry is a major pollutant in our community. Peter R. Cheeke, professor of animal agriculture at Oregon State University, wrote:

Raising cattle in huge feedlots [and] consolidating swine and poultry

production into huge confinement units… [is] a frontal assault on the

environment, with massive groundwater and air pollution problems.[v]

Factory farms cause a toxic environment for those unfortunate enough to live nearby. For instance, “Factory hog farms commonly emit copious amounts of animal waste produced in their facilities into huge open-air pits called lagoons,” which sometimes leak diseases and ammonia into our communities. Additionally, we are running out of clean water, and the meat industry is exacerbating the issue. Not only does the meat industry pollute our waterways with tons of animal waste, it also uses an extraordinary amount of water for production. According to Soil and Water specialists of the University of California Agriculture Extension, it takes only 23 gallons of water to produce one pound of lettuce, whereas one pound of beef requires about 5,214 gallons of water in California.[vi] To put these numbers into perspective, a person showering 7 minutes per day for a year would use roughly the same amount of water. Furthermore, the meat industry is a huge drain on our oil resources and a producer of greenhouse gases. “A kilogram of beef is responsible for more greenhouse gas emissions and other pollution than driving for three hours while leaving all the lights on back home,” according to Akifumi Ogino of the National Institute of Livestock and Grassland Sciences of Japan.[vii] These numbers are not including the transportation of the feed and meat.

The fishing industry is no better. The introduction of new technology has allowed the fishing industry to increase its catch nearly tenfold in the last fifty years. In the last several years the world’s oceanic fish catch has stabilized because we’ve reached our limit. We simply cannot catch more. “In 1997, the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization reported that 11 of the world’s 15 major oceanic fishing grounds had gone into serious decline as a result of overfishing.”[viii] Additionally, over a third of all fish species are threatened with extinction. One answer to the problem of overfishing has been the emergence of aquaculture, or fish farming, the solution has proven as dangerous as the problem. Fish farms have received negative attention for various troubles. First of all, “Diseases and parasites thrive in the densely populated conditions of fish farms, and can easily spread to wild populations.”[ix] Secondly, it takes about 5 pounds of wild fish to produce a single pound of farmed fish or shrimp, so the argument that aquaculture saves natural grown fish is moot. Thirdly, waste disposal problems from fish farms destroy our waters. The diseased and filthy waters the fish are not disposed of appropriately. Additionally, more and more fish products consumed in the US are imported from as far away as Thailand (as much as 80 percent) as demand increases and production remains the same. Finally, there is the issue of genetic modification. Much of our farmed fish has been genetically modified to suit the farming environment. About 15 percent of all farmed fish escape into natural waters, and these fish prove a destructive force to their fragile ecosystems. “Studies show that genetically modified fish are more aggressive, consume more food, and attract more mates than wild fish… [though] their offspring will be less likely to survive.”[x] Some scientists worry that this could lead to the rapid extinction of some species of fish.

The question remains: What can we do to help? There are ways that we can still enjoy these foods without the guilt of environmental destruction. However, we have to be more careful about what we buy. For instance, “A Swedish study in 2003 suggested that organic beef, raised on grass rather than concentrated feed, emits 40 percent less greenhouse gases and consumes 85 percent less energy.”[xi] Fresh caught fish is more nutritional and flavorful than farm-raised, store-bought alternatives. People can also rely more heavily on fruits, vegetables, and grains, or adhere to a vegetarian lifestyle if they wish to help our ailing environment. These alternatives are not only better for the environment, they’re also healthier choices for ourselves.

[i] Schlosser, Eric. Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal. (New York, NY: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2002) 205.

[ii] “Deadly Diet that is Killing the Planet.” Editorial. Western Daily Press January 28, 2008: 12.

[iii] “Deadly Diet that is Killing the Planet.” Editorial. Western Daily Press January 28, 2008: 12.

[iv] Robbins, John. The Food Revolution: How Your Diet Can Help Save Your Life and Our World. (Boston,

MA: Conari Press, 2001) 294.

[v] Robbins, 235-6.

[vi] Robbins, 236.

[vii] Fanelli, Daniele. “Meat is Murder on the Environment.” New Scientist, vol. 195 issue 2613 (2008): 15.

[viii] Robbins, 295.

[ix] Robbins, 299.

[x] Brooks Vinton, Sherri and Ann Clark Espuelas. Real Food Revival. (New York, NY: The Penguin Group, 2005) 99.

[xi] Fanelli, Daniele.

So, there it is. And there was so much more information that I had to omit for space-reasons. And, with that, I should mention that this information is not intended to point blame or to try to convert anyone to a strict vegan diet. There are small ways that we can all help. I've been increasingly pondering avoiding most seafood and dairy, unless it has been produced as humanely and sustainably as possible. You can buy local (which not only ensures the freshness of the food, but also supports local businesses, reduces transportation pollution, and is healthier because it contains the optimal amount of nutrients). Buying local in the Portland area is so easy, and we really have no excuse. Even if we never see the full extent of our pollution on the world in our lifetime (which I highly doubt we can totally avoid), our kids are going to inherit this earth, and their children after that. They will see it. No matter how you look at it, the meat and fishing industry is simply unsustainble. This word used to annoy me, but then it really sunk in as to what it meant. It cannot sustain life. I think that's pretty terrifying. I think we can all do little things that are so small and minorly inconvenient to us, but make such a difference in the long run.

Anywho, I'm rambling, and I need to step down from my soapbox now.

How 'Bout Some More?

2008-04-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

You know the drill...

1- Sunset in Key West again.

2- There were chickens running all over Key West! We were told they were Cuban chickens. Somehow it made them even cuter :) This one was struttin' round the pool.

3- I don't think #3 needs a description...

4- Me, poolside, drinking a strawberry colada. Ahh........ Of course I immediately proceeded to call James and brag. Naturally.

5- Key West pool, sans chicken.

6- The water at Bahia Honda beach, one of the coolest state parks I've ever been to.

7- The *ahem* bridge, at Bahia Honda. Don't worry, that's the old one. We used the newer, more complete version.

8- This is when we were going over the 7-mile bridge in the Keys. And it ain't just a cute name folks, like the "Hundred Years War". It's 7 miles.

9- The sunset in Key Biscayne (just south of Miami). I want to live there so, so, so bad.

10- A lil' more Key Biscayne, or as I call it "holy crap!".

11- Crooked palm trees in Miami.

12- Finally, we have South Beach. "My wa-ta-ma-la-ness. My natural heat."

I couldn't resist a Birdcage reference.

Florida!

2008-04-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Behold, and be jealous!
I am no longer pasty and pale, but rather tan and kinda peely.

For some lame, blogger-related reason, I can't give descriptions below the pictures (I think blogger needs an ass-whoopin', personally), so I'll give the descriptions beforehand! It'll be fun!

1- Pelicans! They're so cool. They were stealing people's fish right off the line. One of them got caught in my great uncle's line, so he had to reel him in and my dad freed him! And I missed it... too busy tanning?

2- The fishin' pier in Naples (where said pelican-nabbing occurred).

3- Sunset in Key West.

4- The beach in Key West, a few blocks from the southernmost point in the US, and about 90 miles from Coo-bah.

5- If you live in Naples, you're almost absolutely over 60. You probably also live ON a golf course, as do my great uncle and his girlfriend. As in, you walk out on your back porch and see a random dude playing through your begonias.

6- The glass-bottom of our glass-bottom boat we went on in Key West.

7- The front end of our glass-bottom boat. Would ye LOOK at that water!?! Hard to believe, but this picture didn't even capture the blueness.

8- I love this shot. We went through that mangrove tunnel on our fan-boat ride in the Everglades.

9- I TOLD you I'd see me some gators!!! Tons of em! This one was about 5 feet from me :)

10- Ah, the everglades. So hot and smelly, but just beautiful.

11- The fan-boat. Its gets AWESOME mileage: 1 mile per gallon... *hides from Al Gore*

And they say there's global warming.... hippie rat bastards.

2008-03-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

I know my next post was supposed to wow you with my knowledge of the meat and fishing industries but it has to be postponed. I couldn't help myself: its snowing.

Kinda snowing downtown, but mostly at my apartment where, of course, I am not. When I left it was goin' at it and had accumulated to an inch. Maybe I'll come home to three?

And then I leave for Florida tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn. Change in weather, no?

Oh, dear....

2008-03-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering writing a post related to my latest research paper about the meat and fish industries and the environment (and don't worry, its not a lot of hippie horse pucky, just good info for the environmentally conscious) for the past few weeks. It will come shortly, and will ASTOUND you all. Astound, I tells ya.

But in the meanwhile, I thought I might blog uponst my most recent neurotic happening. The other morning, I was mid-sleep, waiting for James to come home from Seattle, when what should happen but a searing, crunching pain should find itself on the right side of my neck. I fall back asleep cause I'm that incoherent when I sleep. The next day, my neck hurts a lot on the right side. I feel the apex of the pain. There's a small, pea-sized lump just under my jawline, under my ear. Its hard and painful to the touch. Now, like any good hypochondriac, I proceed to poke and prod at it, making it hurt more and more with each jab. I start to think about the professor I know at my last job who grew GIGANTIC tumors all over her neck from lymphoma. She looked like a bullfrog after a month or two. I repress it. Hours later, I wake up from a terrifying dream where I have tumors the size of softballs on my head. I decide to go to Urgent Care on my lunch break.

So I go to the Dr, who tells me it is in fact just a swollen lymph node (apparently they can be pea sized after all and not just the standard marble sized) and I have a mild infection of some sort that doesn't require any sort of testing or antibiotics. Ahhhh........

So I went from oh-my-god-I-have-cancer-and-I'm-going-to-die! to your-gland-is-swollen-from-cold-season in a matter of moments. Such is my life.
Although I should say that I felt WONDERFUL on the walk back to my work. It was like a second chance at life. And then I got anxious from all the worry. I'm a veritable ball of nerves, people.

Expect insightful and astounding postage within the fortnight.

ARRRRRGGGGH!!!!!

2008-03-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

I've recently realized that I am a HATEFUL person. So many times during the day I'll say something to James that begins with "You know what I reaaaallllly hate?..." Recent examples include the term "fuel economy", those black leggings that only go to your ankles, and cilantro. Some of them are purely subjective, like the leggings. But some of them (like the term "fuel economy") are completely nonsensical. I call them my many irrational hatreds. Everyone has them, but I seem to have more than most. What are some of your irrational or subjective day-to-day annoyances?

I almost forgot!!!!!!

2008-02-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

Its that time of the year again, and I just barely missed it......

Its 12:20am on Feb. 16th and Feb. 15th is national THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID DAY!
:(

So, in commemoration for the missed holiday, everyone think extra dirty for the rest of the day. Thank you.

I am a slug.

2008-02-15T23:09:00.001-08:00

Ever have one of those days where you're exhausted, so you slug around all day, which ultimately makes you feel worse? I'm there.

P.S. I have a new show

2008-02-10T11:10:00.001-08:00

It's called Breaking Bad, and it's on AMC. Yeah, didn't know AMC made any series either.... But they do. So watch it.

Kittens and snow and such

2008-02-09T13:39:00.001-08:00

I figured I'd take this lazy Saturday to upload some photos for you guys (I'm just that nice).

WaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!

Would yeh LOOK at the snout on that! Oooo what a boooey.

This one's several months old, but aww....

Our most recent snowfall. It was only like 2 inches.... I'm holding out for 10 or 12.

Another view. Look at my cute birdfeeder!

There they are, kids.

I'm going to vent on neuroses here for a bit...

2008-02-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

I don't think its any secret that I'm an anxious person. And I know I'm not the only person around who is terrified of flying (I'm looking at you, Sue). But I'm starting to get pissed at myself about my fear of flying. It just keeps getting worse as I get older. You see, this post is precipitated by flying nightmares. But here's the funny part: When I have nightmares about flying, I'm not falling out of the sky. There are no terrorists, no bombs, no engine failure. It's just me, on a plane, EXTREMELY ANXIOUS. I wake up from the panic! What the heck?!?!? Even in my dreams flying is the safest way to travel, but even in my dreams I just don't like it.

Herein lies the problem. I'm addicted to traveling. When I don't travel I get even more anxious. I feel like Europe was a coon's age ago and I'm jonesin' for more. Lucky for me, I have Florida coming up. But even though its still two months away I can feel the panic accumulating.

Like others who share this fear, it doesn't help ONE BIT when people tell us that its the safest way to fly, or that you're more likely to die driving to the airport, or that the chances are 1 in 11 million, yadda yadda... Even if a psychic could assure me that there was no possibility that my plane would crash I'd still be panicked. Cause, goddamn it, I just don't like being up that high, stuck, and completely out of control. And that's why no assurance of safety is ever good enough.

I'm not ever going to let that stop me from traveling though. I guess I'm doomed to a life of heavily sedated travel.

And it only took me 4 months...

2008-01-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally got a job. Yay?

I did this group interview on Monday with a non profit organization called AFS-USA, an international student exchange program. It was a weird interview. There were 12 of us interviewing for 3 of the same position, with 3 employees at the conference table with us. We were basically trying to be charming and experienced, talking ourselves up in front of each other. It gave me the eewies a little bit. Half of the interviewees were WAY more qualified sounding than me, so when I left I called James and said "Yeah, there's no way in hell I'm getting this one." I was positive. Later that evening, as I was disparaging myself to James about how nobody wants me blah blah blah I get a phone call (mid-sentence) asking me to work there. Go fig.

So I start work tomorrow. It's only a temporary position (4 months), so I'll be unemployed basically on my birthday, but its good experience. I've recently become very interested in working for non profits. God knows this is the city to do it!

And it snowed up here this morning. If I were a better man, I'd upload the pictures I took this morning for you all to see. And if I were any man, James might dump me. We got at least 2 inches. I NEED MORE!!!

So, what's with the beachy picture, Ashley? Well, I'm not sure if I've told any of you yet, but I'm going to Florida at the end of March!!! *squeal* My dad, Jenna, and myself are going to Ft. Myers for a family reunion, but we're planning to escape them for a few days and check out South Beach and Miami, the keys, and maybe even do a fan boat ride on the everglades. I'm-a see me some crocs! Or is it alligators.... I'd be able to tell if I could only see its snout. The end of March is a perfect time too. It's just about the point in Oregon's yearly drear that I start to get a little weather-worn. Sun, surf, and sand? Yes please!

Paris, part trois

2008-01-24T00:26:00.001-08:00

A Paris street, looking ever-so Parisful.

L'Arc de Triomphe. Its a lot bigger than you'd think it would be. That Napoleon sure had some size issues...

I'm smiling for two reasons, really. 1) I'm in Paris by the Arc de Triomphe. 2) In order for James to get this shot he has to squat in the middle of a very busy street. Hehehehe.....

Ah, Paris in September. So glum and pretty.

Doesn't it look like the Eiffel Tower is doing the splits?

Yeah, I'm sideways, but I'm oh-so Parisian looking with my umbrella.

You can't tell, but we are just absolutely soaking wet by this point.

Ah.... Nothing disrupts a perfect shot quite like a blimp advertising Rugby games.

Beautiful.

Me on our balcony, just after we got back from walking all over Paris. Notice it stopped raining and the sun came out... But I look happy, don't I?!

I have no words.

Paris, part deux

2008-01-24T00:10:00.001-08:00

This part is all about Versailles. I about crapped myself here. It was like the history mothership was calling me home, sucking me into her opulent tractor beam.

I thought I'd forgo the usual picture by picture commentaries for this one. If you really need one, just imagine I'm saying "Amazing. Awesome. FREAKING GORGEOUS" for each one.

Paris, part un

2008-01-23T23:51:00.001-08:00

There's just too many for one post. I don't care if you want to come here or not, the place is goddamn beautiful.

Notre Dame cathedral. The most gorgeous Catholic Cathedral I think I will ever enter.

We didn't realize it until we got there, but we came on a Sunday... Needless to say, it was really busy.

This is just an awesome shot. Kudos, James! Prayer candles.

The grand-ness....

Here we see how the crowd is crammed in like veal. As usual, this doesn't capture how beautiful, and I'll use the word again, grand, this place is.

Le Louvre. We didn't see Tom Hanks and his horrible haircut or the chick from Amelie, but we're told they've been here.

The glass pyramid, another modern architectural feat to piss off the French people (I'm thinking of YOU, Eiffel Tower!)

I just about pissed myself while walking through the 17th-19th C European Gallery. Ask James. I took pictures of EVERYTHING... too bad they're all gone....

The pyramid from below.

Again, veal.

*yawn* Not that I don't love Da Vinci, but what a let down.

The view from our balcony. Paris is fucking awesome....

I'm bored.

2008-01-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

Look at that stupid picture of me! Hahaha... My dad sent it to me. I'm so pasty.... I'm like a vampire.

Apparently the job market sucks. Go figure. (Insert some sort of Bush criticism here)

I've been applying to anywhere from 2 to 15 jobs a day and I'm still unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I get calls. But they end up being from jobs that are either A) terrible hours, B) terrible all around, or C) Way out in east Jesus (Thanks, Juno!).

I've had 3 interviews and apparently I'm useless. I've got 3 more next week though, and I've got to tell you, they're all pretty crappy.
One is in MILWAUKIE, which is even farther away than usual when you take the bus.
The other two are in TIGARD. (See comment for Milwaukie). Plus, one is an early morning job where I'd have to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning everyday (There's a 6 am now?) and bus myself for an hour and 15 minutes each way. The other Tigard job is a holistic pet clinic.... On the plus side I'd be working with pets. On the downside I'd be telling people to give their pets ginger root or calamine lotion or some stupid shit to cure their worms, when they really need prescription medicines. So yeah.....

Everyone, fingers crossed that I'll get called back from any of the following:

Oregon Historical Society
Portland Art Museum
Oregon Humane Society
The Oregonian
The Convention Center
Oregon College of Art and Craft
The Portland Clinic
or any NORMAL vet office.

I'm so listless my butt is actually aching from sitting. ACHING!!!! I'm going to start growing bed sores.
*sigh*

Seperated at birth?

2007-12-15T13:05:00.001-08:00

OK, I'm going to expose my true nerdiness and geek out here for a second. I've just noticed that Pakistan's President Musharraf TOTALLY looks like Admiral Adama from Battlestar Galactica!! But only when he's got his rad mustache in flashbacks and during that time on New Caprica when he didn't have much to do.

Coincidence? I think not...

Europe the Seventh and an update

2007-12-12T13:47:00.000-08:00

Monaco

We were only there for 3 hours and it was raining (or should I say storming) the whole time. It got pretty bad. And the place was SO FREAKING RITZY it just made us ill. It was like a country club, but an entire country of a country club. Instead of 7-11's and Albertsons they had Louis Vuitton and Balenciaga stores.

Here's a view of the famous casino from one of the many fountains out front.

Here be the casino. She's grand.

A view of the harbor. Those boats may not look very big, but the small ones are as big as the biggest yachts you've ever seen. The big ones are like cruise ships. Trust me.

Here is a picture of the city. The one really cool aspect of this place was how it is set on these rocky bluffs. I bet these jerks have great views from their wonderful apartments. Bitter much?

So, now for an update.

Still working on the job hunt. I had an interview on Monday with the HR Department at PCC's Cascade Campus. The good: It pays $5 more an hour than my last job, it comes with benefits and like 33 paid days off per year, free PCC tuition, discounts on PSU tuition, the hours are good and it would be easy work. The bad: It's waaaaay in North Portland. I'd have to take at least 2 buses to get there and it takes a LONG time. Also, the buses don't time up well, so I'll be waiting at a bus stop for half an hour each way. I was gone for 3 hours on Monday, 1/2 hour of which was AT the interview. We'll see....
I've been trying to get a job as a vet receptionist. I REALLY want to wear scrubs to work everyday. And sneakers. It would be so comfy! And I'd get to work with animals! And I'd get discounts on my own pets' stuff!

The apartment is all decorated! Our tree has red, white, and green strands of lights. I like it. The cats have been annoying since the tree was put up, but not too terrible. They're both watching X Files with me right now. And I mean that literally. They're both sitting next to each other on the couch watching Scully talk to Skinner as if they have ANY clue what is going on. Their heads move left to right in sync whenever stuff moves. It's pretty damn cute. Dexter especially likes the X Files. And The Office. He's got good taste.

Well, that's about it. There's only 13 more days until Christmas, and I best be getting ready.

Europe the Sixth

2007-11-25T22:03:00.000-08:00

Its been so long, and I'm sorry kids. But here she is:

Nice, France. And yes, it is nice. Let's just get that whole joke over with and move on with our lives. Ah.... That's better.

On another note, I know I SAID I would put Monaco in this blog (like you cared or remembered) but I ain't gonna. There's too much good Nice to mess it all up with Monaco. So, here is Nice. And there's a lot of me too. But that's not my fault. Blame James, it was his camera-work. I do look cute, though...

Here's me on my FABULOUS balcony in Nice. I cannot express to you how wonderful it was to spend two nights in a FABULOUS hotel room after weeks of crappy cheap hotels. If I look happy in this picture, its because I FUCKING AM. I'm jealous of myself, right now.

This is the view from the tippiest top of Nice. We climbed a lot of stairs to get to here. More on that later.

Look at me!!! I'm at the tippiest top of Nice!

I found a picture of James in the south of France!!! Behold!

Now THAT'S what I call a "cote d'azur". Look it up people.

(Hint: it means "blue/azure coast")

I don't know if you guys can see, but that's a picture of the crazy stairs we climbed to get to the tippiest top of Nice. There's an overlook thats "to die for" but in order to get there you need to almost die from climbing stairs. And, from some stroke of wonderful luck, the first flight was filled with some sort of human feces from what I assume was a burst pipe. Some people didn't notice it and jogged right up through it. I nearly vomited. The next million flights of stairs were still literally breath-taking, but much less infested with poopies.

The view again. Good lawd.......

Me, in the centre of Nice. Notice how I spell "centre" in the European way. Those grey and white tiles make me kinda barfy.

So purdy.

That's actually a REALLY far distance to the water. It doesn't look very far... Dude on the right kept acting like he was going to jump. We watched him for about half an hour. Dude never jumped. We then climbed said stairs.

You can't tell, but this beach is really rocky. The actual beach wasn't as awesome as Cannes', but Nice was still better. In a non-only-rich-persons-allowed kinda way.

'Tis the market. This thing went on for miles. And the food....... *drool*.....

The view from our FABULOUS hotel room. It was fabulous, by the way....

Next, a short blurb on Monaco, then Paris. Paris will be REALLY long. But, you know..... There's a lot to see. Hope you enjoyed!

Random Words of Advice

2007-11-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

Once again Jones Soda has proved the old addage true:

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

Europe the Fifth

2007-11-07T11:49:00.001-08:00

And then there was Cannes.

Look at that freaking sunset!!!

If you'll notice, I'm wearing my pig shirt.
I wouldn't zoom into this one too far. There were lots of flabby, pasty old British dudes among the topless women.

The marina, and some rich people's boats. Bastards.

The Palais des Festivals. (This is where they have the Cannes Film Festival)

Heheheh....... I'm SO glad James took this picture too, as mine was lost :)

We walked this boardwalk like it was nobody's bid'ness!

The view from our room. That's right..... We were less than 2 blocks from the Mediterranean :)

Next is Nice (it has a LOT of the same type of scenery) and Monaco. We were only in Monaco for about 2 hours, so we'll just lump it into Nice.

Europe the Fourth

2007-10-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

Here we have Edinburgh (ED-in-burr-oh). God help you if you pronouce it with a "g".

Me, in front of the Princes St. Gardens. Lovely....

How'd the National Monument get in there?

Purdy streets, everywhere you look. Notice the "Kilt Sale."

The Edinburgh Castle. We didn't go in, cause we were poor. But we got a REAL good look at it from outside!

Me, with headphones, at the Palace of Holyroodhouse. This is where Mary, Queen of Scots lived before she allegedly plotted to have Elizabeth I (the Protestant WHORE!!!) murdered. I got to see the blood stain on the floor where Rizzio was killed!

Look at them Scottish bluffs! I can hear the pipers now...

Scotch. I like that you can see James in the reflection, drooling no doubt.

He he he he hee......

Ah, Edinburgh... Ya did me good.

Next up: Cannes!

Europe the Third

2007-10-26T22:35:00.001-07:00

Inverness!!!! Ay, laddies and lassies. Tis Scotland. And the highlands, no less....

(yeah, they're out of order, don't worry about it.)

This is Urquhart Castle, on Loch Ness. Its old.

This is me in front of Loch Ness in my Scotland coat and scarf.

The boat on Loch Ness. It doesn't look like it, but MAANNNN..... its stormy out there.
This is a pretty place we found on our walk up the River Ness. God DAMN that place is beautiful!!!

Awww...........

Me, on the bridge where, one night before, Ray (the helpful old Scot) helped us find our hotel.

Our hotel, from the River Ness. She's quite quiant, eh? Notice the stairs that lead to NOWHERE.

The River Ness, on the bridge next to our hotel. This leads to Nessie.....

Me, in front of our hotel. It was SO nice to stay in a big, nice, comfy hotel room after our shithole in London.

This was from our hotel doorstep. That's right, peeps. We were staying directly across the river from a REAL FUCKIN' CASTLE!!!!! Awesome...

Next is Edinburgh. Stay tunes, chickadees.

Introducing........ DEXTER!!!

2007-10-19T16:13:00.001-07:00

Minerva has a baby brother now. He's veeeeerrrry sweet. And he's such a bear cub!

Europe the Second

2007-10-18T14:05:00.001-07:00

LONDON, continued.....

Here is James being a dork in front of Buckingham Palace.

Here is the Tower Bridge, snapped from our Big Bus Tour.

The Eye! Beware the Eye! Its watching you....

This is in Kensington Gardens, near our hotel. There was a bum sleeping a few feet behind me when I took this picture.

Me, and my cute new hair.

Ye olde Big Ben. And yes, I'm aware that Big Ben is actually the name of the clock. Asshole.

Me, in my cute red beanie (that I LOST on the train to Scotland DAMNIT!!!!). If I look happy its cause I'm in my new favorite place in the world, St. James Park.

This nutbar woman was placing her hands on this tree in St. James Park. I think she was praying or trying to heal it, or feeling its awesome energy or something. We felt it appropriate to capture a total stranger during a very intimate moment.

Me, in the park again. Holding the camera that would prove absolutely freaking useless.

The view of the Eye from St. James Park.

This bird was HUUUUUUGE. And 3 feet from us.

Aww........

Horse Guards.

How very London.

I had other pictures on here but the wonderful Blogger decided in its infinite wisdom to delete them from my post. I hate Blogger.

But, that should be good enough for London! Right? Next will be Inverness....

Europe the first

2007-10-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been looking through my lame selection of Europe pictures (or should I say "the first day in London pictures where we didn't really do anything earth-shattering and were so tired we could barely point the camera at stuff" pictures) and I've decided to post a couple. Later, when I get my grubby mitts on James' pictures, there will be better ones, I promise.

Warning: I'm not very good at arranging the pictures on this thing, so if it ends up all cock-eyed, well... I'm a retard. But you all knew that anyway.

This is just some typical London street corner. I like the tree.

This is James in front of the National Gallery in Trafalgar Square. Of course, we didn't go INTO the National Gallery, but there it is.... Notice the shirt.

Here we have another London-y street.

Here is our street. Idn't she purdy?

This is Trafalgar Square, named after some dude with a weird name.

So, that's that everyone. Expect better pictures in more exciting contexts in the near future.

Look, this one has a picture! Not of Europe, but still...

2007-10-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

Something in my back is spasm-ing. Stupid back muscle.

Well, I've just spent 2 jobless, school-less, boyfriendless nights at my dad's house. That's just about the time it takes to realize how unbelievably happy I am to not being living at home. I mean, I love my dad, but come on... Kids just aren't supposed to like living with their parents after a certain age. And now I know I can never move back home again, for fear of going insane.

In other news, the apartment is decorated. I put up some "spider webs", a few strands of orange blinky pumpkin lights, a couple fall leaf-y garlands and 2 foam skulls. The fake fall leaves are like crack to Minerva. She simply cannot control herself when they are around, especially if they're inside a plastic bag. Mercy me. We don't even wanna go there....

I got tickets for the Nutcracker! I got the December 22nd show, so I should be good and in the mood by then. James and I went last year. It's not that I particularly LIKE the show.... It's just Christmas-y. And I like Christmas. And Halloween. OOH! Halloween is coming!!! Yay!!!!

Sorry for that. See, this is Ashley without a purpose in life. I have nothing to talk about except for Halloween decorations and back spasms. You know you're fascinated anyways.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

2007-10-03T15:53:00.001-07:00

Here is a little update on crap-fest that my life has become in the last couple days.

So last night, due to water damage, James and I sleep on the couch. Needless to say, ouch. In the late morning we have one of the construction dudes come in and look at the big pool of water that has built up in the plastic tarp on our bedroom ceiling. The guy tells us that "it should have been fixed" and the problem might be much much worse than they thought. So we speak to management about our options. We find out we might have to move. Again.

Later, we toured a one bedroom right down the street. Its basically the same as ours, but I like our view better and its on the bottom floor and... you know..... I don't want to fucking move. I'm sick. I'm jet lagged. I'm unemployed and soon-to-be broke. (Plus James will be gone Mon-Wed next week and we cant move til after that. That's like 8 nights of not being in my own bed after not being in it for 3 weeks. )

So the deal is, they fix the leak in the next couple of days, thus fixing the rest of the ceiling and whatnot completely by next week or we just need to move. (Silver lining here is they THINK they found the problem again and expect to be done next week. We'll see about that. Even so, we'll be relatively homeless for the next week).

Later, I decide to get to work on update my blog with all my wonderful pictures (all 1200 of them to choose from!). I use Kodak's software like I have a million times before and when all is said and done I look at what should be a very large file and there are only 25 pictures...
I groan, give up and decide to try again later.

I try again later. It stops loading midway through the process. I look: no pictures. I try it again. It wont even load this time! I try just looking at the pictures on the camera. While turning it on, I'm greeted with a blue screen telling me that my memory card needs to be formatted. If I format my memory card I lose all data. I say no. It says memory card cannot be read. I die inside.

So there it is, kiddos. My dad is going to see what he can do with it later tonight, but as far as he can tell over the phone I'm most likely FUCKED.

Did I do something wrong?!?!? What the hell??? I know I'm complaining a lot and this blog has been kind of a downer, but come on.

I'll let you guys know when I know more. Wish me luck, a soft bed, Vitamin C, and refound pictures.

Ah, jet lag..... we meet again.

2007-10-02T03:04:00.000-07:00

As you can see, it is 3 something AM and I am awake. This comes after arriving in Portland at about 1 PM, getting home at about 1:30 PM, finding extensive water damage in my bedroom that will take YET ANOTHER FUCKING WEEK OF CONSTRUCTION TO FIX at about 2 PM, having a hick supervisor and 2 Mexican dudes come into my apartment to pop the GIGANTIC bubble in the paint above the window and then ShopVac the water thats covering my bedroom at 2:30 PM, falling asleep at 5 PM and staying more or less asleep until about 1 AM, then finally giving up on the whole sleep thing half an hour ago. Mind you, we had to deal with getting kicked out of our own expensive apartment for 4 WEEKS before we left and were consoled only by the fact that when we came home, there would be peace and we could enjoy our jet lag and exhaustion in peace. Now they're coming back in tomorrow and probably the rest of this week. Add that to the fact that I am so very, very ill. I picked up a cold on my last day in Paris. Its the souvenir that just keeps on giving.

On the plus side, Minerva is SO HAPPY we're home. She wont leave me alone. She is the cutest, snugglinest, smoochinest kitten I've ever seen. And she's helping me write this post right now.

Well, enough of the complaining, I DID just come from a 3 week vacation after all. I promise that in a day or two I will have a shiny, happy update complete with pictures and whatnot. Good night...... and good luck. (That phrase really makes you feel cool. I can see why that dude used it as his signing-off thingy. Signing-off thingy?? My brain is sore)

Internet cafes play bad music.

2007-09-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

Hello to all! I've got a few extra minutes on the ol' cafe computer, so I figured I'd give everyone a little run-down on the goings-on of James and I.

London- Very big, very old, very noisy, very cool. When we arrived (about 21 hours without sleeping) we spent 2 hours standing in the line for customs. Good...Lord.... Needless to say we slept for 5 hours after that and totally threw off our internal clocks more than they already were. We went on one of those double decker bus tours so we could actually see all of the crazy things to see in that sprawling metropolis. We saw Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, St. James Park (MY favorite part of London), Soho, Picadilly Circus (overrated), Parliament, the Horse Guards, etc. We went into the Tower of London and the British Museum (of course! I've been dying to go to that place for 5 years now). Awesome. We rode the crap out of the Underground (expensive but necessary, unfortunately. Also incredibly HOT). We drank at pubs, we ate greasy pub food and one TERRIBLE meal at a Thai food place. I've discovered that the rumors about England's food being flavorless and disgusting in general are true....

Inverness- We took 2 trains north to Inverness (the "hub" of the highlands) which took 8 1/2 hours. England's countrside is gorgeous, as are the Highlands themselves. Sooooooo many sheep. I kept informing James when I would see a sheep by poking him and saying "sheep". It happened alot. Pretty much every 3 seconds. I stopped. Sometimes the sheep would be bounding away from the train and we'd see their fluffy butts bouncing away. Twas too cute... We changed trains in Glasgow. All I have to say about Glasgow is that hopefully it has a pretty area that isn't the part we saw while changing trains... We got to Inverness and got lost, but a friendly Scotsman on bike named Ray actually walked us across town to show us our hotel. What a guy!!! The hotel was SO much nicer than in London, but the weather was FREEZING. Literally. It was about 27 degrees F when we got there. And it was cold the rest of the time too. It's still cold in Edinburgh, further south. We ate this crazy potato stuffed with Scottish aged cheddar. MY.... GOD...... So good. And we went on a boat tour of Loch Ness and Urquhart Castle. No Nessie sightings, but our ADORABLE tourguide Jim (a sweet old Scottish local man) told us that he lived on the loch for 20 + years and "There is definitely something out there, but what it is, I'm not sure..." He seemed genuine too. The boat ride was quite scary, but fun too. And the Loch is stunning. At one point (in front of the castle) it is like 750 feet deep! And in general all I have to say is I LOVE Inverness. By the way- by the time we were in Inverness the exhaution of jetlag finally subsided. Finally. Heavens to Betsy, that was fun....

Edinburgh- Now we're in Edinburgh until Saturday. Its a very old and beautiful city. We walked (hiked, really) up to the castle today. We didn't go in, but we did go into the Palace of Holyroodhouse, where Mary, Queen of Scots lived. There's so much history everywhere we go!!! I'm crapping myself at every turn. Not literally, of course.....

Saturday we fly to the south of France. I'm looking forward to delicious wine, delicious food, and warmer weather! I'll post again when I can. I hope everyone is doing well :)

Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel

2007-09-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

Sing it with me now....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ9nHa14yyc

I just wanted to share one of my favorite Simpsons clips.
Good day.

I don't think this needs an explanation.

2007-09-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

This Monkeys Gone to Heaven.

2007-08-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

Its nowhere near done, but here you go. Proof that I'm doing at least ONE of my summer break resolutions. This is a painting/ drawing I started a looooong time ago. Its a rip-off of Goya's The Sleep of Reason Produces Monsters. I know, I know.... stealing another man's genius, but whatever. You try thinking of something that is emotional, beautiful and historically significant. Its damn hard. So I copy.

PS- The book to the right has the original.

But she's still a kitten....

2007-08-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

And a beebs at that.

It is Minerva's first birthday today! She is officially an adult cat.

I think she knows, too. She's been struttin' around the apartment all morning.

Cocky little cub.

We're going to give her tuna for a cake cause she goes apeshit for tuna, but no worries- we wont put any stupid party hat on her or sing to her. We haven't completely lost it.

Death to Mortar Boards.

2007-08-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

I graduated. Its official, I got my grades last night. Woooo!!!!

And I'm going to Europe.

Its a great day.

Its quotalicious.

2007-08-13T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm in the mood for movies right now. Well... I'm ALWAYS in the mood for movies, but for explanations' sake, I'm especially in the mood. I thought I'd list my 5 desert island movies. These aren't necessarily my favorite movies right now, but they're movies I could watch (and have watched) millions and millions of times. Here goes....

The Birdcage - Cause its the funniest movie ever. EVER. There is no argument to this, I don't care what it is you have to say. You'll be wrong.
*Senator picks up the phone*
"Hello Ben!.... Ready for what?......What?"
-"What's the matter Kevin?"
"Jackson's dead."
-"Oh my God...."
"He died in bed?... Who's bed?... A prostitute?"
-"No!"
"A minor?...."
-*silence*
"And black?"
-"WHAT?!?!?"

Shaun of the Dead- What's not to love? Simon Pegg? Check. Zombies? Check. Numerous comical references to horror films and other aspects of pop culture? Check. Queen? Double check.
"As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in pie. And there's an 'I' in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team... I don't really know what he was talking about."

Pulp Fiction- Its just coooool. Some people don't like Tarantino, and I can admit- he can be kinda lame sometimes. But man, when he's good.....
"Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!"

Shawshank Redemption- Partly cause TNT plays it ever freaking week, partly cause its the most perfect script in the world, at least in form. Its movie magic, people.
"The funny thing is- on the outside I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook."

Rushmore- I just love Wes Anderson. He can make me feel nostalgic, sad, and amused, all at the same time.
"Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs... and TAKE THEM DOWN."

So there it us. How 'bout you?

God bless Judd Apatow.

2007-08-12T00:36:00.001-07:00

James and I have recently Netflixed "Undeclared" and "Freaks and Geeks". So good.

If you haven't seen them, you should. That is, unless you have some sort of grudge against laughter and clever writing...

Oh, and Bill is a stud. Loves me some Bill.

I call it "Hate-Ball"

2007-08-08T13:53:00.001-07:00

I'm in a HORRIBLE mood. So horrible, I'm tying in red. For many reasons, the most prominent one of the moment being that I have been rejected for insurance coverage. Apparently I'm damaged goods.

So, I've planned a game to try to make me feel better. Post a reply with something you hate so intensely that it could possibly surpass my hate of insurance companies.

Good luck, I'm pretty pissed.

Californication.

2007-08-03T00:12:00.000-07:00

Two updates in one day? I know, its insanity.

This show is awesome. And not just cause it used the phrase "getting your asshole bleached" in common dialogue. If you like David Duchovny (as you all know I do), you will love this hilarious and disgusting show.

*This has been my shameless plug. Thank you*

I love lists.

2007-08-02T13:16:00.001-07:00

I got new Converses. They're grey, like these. I'll be so cute in them.

In other news, only 16 days until graduation and 41 days until Europe!! Can I get a "woot, woot?"

So here's my Post-Graduation, Pre-Europe To Do List. I figure if I post it on the world wide web I'll have some sort of cyber-supervisor making sure I do them all and poking me in the shoulder with a sharp stick all the while. So here she is:

1. Finish my painting. I started a painting almost a year ago that I have yet to touch since.
2. Fancy up the deck garden, possibly planting a few more lovelies.
3. Finish decorating the apartment, thus fully "moving in". Hey, I'm a busy girl...
4. Get a cute haircut and color. Something shorter and more manageable for traveling.
5. Check out the job market for when I return. Yawn.
6. Exercise, thus losing 5-10 lbs in the process. For those of you who argue I might not need to lose said pounds, all I have to say is "You don't have to look at me naked and fit into my jeans. I do." So there.
7. Bone up on the old francais. At least enough to know what I'm eating and if it contains animal.
8. Earn a little extra dough by working for my mom in her garden. And, thus, losing 5-10 lbs? One can dream.
9. Tan. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
10. Design my next tattoo, finally.

So, there it is. And I'll have 25 days to do it all. So start your bets on how many will actually get done! I'm guessing about half. I have such faith in my own determination.

Homer Llama Beer.

2007-07-25T15:03:00.001-07:00

Question: What do these three lovely things have in common?

Answer: They will all be a part of my weekend.

That's right kiddos. This weekend the universe has decided to cut me a break and align itself. In the span of a few days The Simpsons movie will come out, The Brewer's Festival will be held downtown, and the Washington County Fair will delight me with both carnie food and farm animals.

As Mr. Burns would say, "Excellent."
This pleases me.

Oh my.

2007-07-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

You might not see or hear much of me for the next 4 weeks. I'm going into "Finish - Up - Your - Classes - Please - Oh - God - Oh - God - Don't - Fail- You - Need - To - Pass - These - Classes - To - Graduate - And - You - Need - To - Graduate - To - Go - To - Europe" mode.
*gasp*

Wish me luck, sanity, and lenient professors.

I dont' have a title...

2007-07-04T10:15:00.000-07:00

I just had a very odd dream last night and felt like sharing it.

Well, I was in a sea kayak in what looked like the area around Whidbey. (If you know me, then you'll know where I'm going with this).

So, of course orcas start popping out of the water all around me. I paddle towards shore but somehow end up further out again. Then the orcas start popping up right underneath me, bumping me, and one of them bit me. But it was a soft bite, like what Minerva does.

Then, out of nowhere, I'm at my Dad's house, but James and I live there. I am waking up in the morning after the sea-kayaks-of-doom. Apparently we didn't lock the front door when we got home for some strange dream-related reason that made total sense when I dreamt it. So I go into the kitchen and there's this dude trying to get in. He acts like he's just some sort of repairman who was trying to get in but I call his bluff. He starts to run off and I tell him I'm going to call the cops, to which he says, "Good, I'll be jacking off in the bushes!".

Then for some reason he turns into Edward Scissorhands, only with an "H" carved into his head just to the right of his right eyebrow.

Yeah...

Well, enough of me being a weirdo-pants. I have a garden! I have 20 plants out on my deck, as well as a cedar Adirondack chair for which to sit on. I've been doing lots of planting (my mom gave me 18 pots), so naturally a lot of dirt has been falling on the patio under us. I feel really bad. Also, when I water them it all spills down on them too. I'm afraid I'm really going to piss them off. Anyone have any suggestions? Not so much about the dirt cause I'm done transferring plants. My tendency is to just not care, but James is worried that we're screwing them over. I told him its water and who cares.

Another Public Announcement

2007-06-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

Attention all blog-readers. I have waged war upon a certain comment-troll who has commented on my "Post of Nothingness" post. Check it out. It's thoroughly annoying and random.

Note- You will have to go back a little further in my blog archives.... hmmm... "blog-chives"? (Insert "mmmm.... chives..." here) No that won't do. Blog archives. Go find it my pretties.

A Public Announcement

2007-06-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

I just thought I'd take a few seconds to comment on the fact that I AM HAVING THE WORST FREAKING DAY OF MY LIFE AT WORK!!!!
BLARRRRRRGGGGGH!!!!!!!!

I won't go into the details, cause work stories are VERY boring, no matter how much you think other people are interested.

I'll give you an image instead:
At one point I was hovered over the copy machine weeping, while copying.

Pity me, one and all, as I dive right back into the fray.....

Taste the happy, Michael....

2007-06-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently there's nowhere to sleep in Edinburgh. Well, at least there's nowhere REASONABLE to sleep... Either you pay $200 a night or you sleep in a total sty in the outskirts of the city.
I've been looking for a place to stay in Edinburgh for a good month now. I might have to bite the bullet and pay more. Yipes!

On another, more fashionable note: I bought some clothes yesterday. And I know you're all SO very interested....

Actually I was on my way to the bus downtown and on an impulse I decided to look for new shorts (having broken my only pair. That's right... broken...). Instead of buying new shorts (because apparently Nordstrom doesn't sell a single pair of normal, short shorts, the hip bastards that they are), I came out with 2 shirts, some $70 jeans, and some half-way shorts. Call it a birthday splurge. I call it impulse shopping, and it usually strikes about 4-5 times a year. Other than those splurges I'm really rather frugal.

Man this is a boring post.

But you're still reading. HAH!

I could REALLY go for some sushi right now.

Boo Bwah Boo Bwah Bwee BWAH!!!!!

2007-05-28T02:10:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to mention that I have offically re-fallen absolutely, totally, punch-drunk, head-over-heels in love with The X-Files. Obsessed might be the word. I've already seen every episode known to man in my youth (except Seasons 8 and 9 which had a distinct lack of Agent Mulder). For those who didn't receive a good-old-fashioned spamming of a survey from me earlier, I made this gem of an observation: "Agent Mulder is just about the dreamiest thing in the world to a 12 year old." I forgot that David Duchovny was so dreamy, what with all the not-being-around-except-in-rather-obscure-movies for the past 10 years. I think James is growing sick of me asking him, "Don't you think he's pretty hot/dreamy/awesome/kickass/sexy?" His answer is usually no, although I think I got "sure/I guess" a few times.

But in all seriousness, you CANNOT go wrong with a show that has an episode about a sex-changing, Amish cult that buries their dead in some weird gooey beehive-caves, and who then turn out to be aliens. COME ON!!!

We've Lost a True Champion.

2007-05-12T00:20:00.000-07:00

"A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved."

-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

I know its a little late in coming, but I have to pay tribute to my favorite author and my personal hero- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

When I start to take life too seriously his writings make it easier to laugh at the ridiculousness that is the human experience.

I tip my hat to you, sir!

A Pox!!!

2007-05-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

So James got some penicillin for a sinus infection a week ago....

Apparently, James is allergic to penicillin.

One More.

2007-05-03T15:06:00.000-07:00

This is the epitome of what I'll NOT be doing in Whidby. Or any other time in my life, for that matter.

More vomit-inducing fear!!!

2007-05-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

OK, Emilys post has inspired me to put up a few more creepy pictures. Behold the fear!!!

This one makes me nauseous.

If it doesn't make YOU nauseous, then perhaps you haven't noticed the most important detail in the picture. The kayak tip. This person is in a kayak. About 10 feet from that behemoth.

Yeah, you're puking now, aren't you?

If James were to see this I believe his response would be "That makes my balls hurt". So if I had balls they would ache at the sight of that.

This one's for Sarah.

And WHAT THE CRAP!?!?!? What is this guys problem??? He's going to eaten and I will feel better knowing that he has been taken out of the gene pool.

Yeah, "A.O.K.", dude......

Well, I hope this has helped you all feel terrified. Good day.

Post of Nothingness.

2007-05-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

I sat down to blog and shortly realized I have nothing to talk about. I kept thinking of things and then my brain would go "No, that's stupid." Or "You already told everybody that." So, I give you a picture of a black hole. Kinda looks like a fish eye to me, a fish way down in the abyss. Speaking of which, that movie is freaking weird. I love it, don't get me wrong, but what the heck?? Maybe I need to rewatch it or something, cause from what I remember there's some people on a submarine, something about offshore oil rigs, some crazy guy with an atomic bomb and then out of nowhere aliens show up. And I think there might be terrorists involved. Hmm.... Oh well, its about as coherent as any of my thoughts are, so I really can't complain.

I'm getting excited for my many up-comings. Especially moving and Whidby Island. I thought I'd post a few scary orca pictures for your enjoyment:

Here's one where the whale is jumping out of the ocean to eat something. This could be you, swimming or kayaking in the Sound.

Here's one of a killer whale beaching itself to wreak its havoc on the poor unsuspecting baby seals. This could happen to any one of us as we are frolicking on the shore.

This one is my personal favorite. This sweet little orca is eating his trainer. How cute.

In conclusion, I have nothing to talk about and orcas are murderous, vindictive, baby eaters.

Smorty-Smort, Blort-de-Blort.

2007-04-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

In light of the recent "carpet bombing" by one Amy Shearer (see comments of my last blog for more on that), I have decided to bite the bullet and update my blog.

So much is going on lately, I don't know where to begin. First of all, we're moving. YAY!!!! We are moving up on Barnes Rd kinda in between the hospital and the cemetery, which is ultra convenient should one of us become ill suddenly and die. Our new apartment will still be only one bedroom, but much cooler (and might I add, more spendy). The grounds are woodsy, there's a babbling brook, there's a pool, hot tub, 24 hr gym, basketball court and racquetball court. Plus, there is a view of the entire valley. We get a porch AND a washer and dryer (hot DAMN!!). And best of all, it isn't the Grandview and we don't have to deal with our hellish manager Devon anymore. So move-in day is May 20th, which means I get to spend my birthday in my new pad. Awesome.

Next on the list is my impending graduation. I've got one more class to take this summer, then I graduate on August 18th. Its in the park blocks as opposed to the coliseum, which is better because I hate public recognition. Makes me blush.

And last but not least, James and I have officially booked our plane tickets to Europe. Mega-YAY. We leave on September 12th, arrive in London on September 13th. Yup, it takes that long (plus the 8 hour time difference). We fly out on October 1st from Paris. So in between we'll be staying in London for about 4 nights, Edinburgh for about 3 nights, maybe somewhere along the way for a night or two, then Paris for about 4 nights, and finally the French Riviera for 3 or 4 nights. You're jealous, aren't you? Its okay, you can say it...
MWA HA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!! <------ That's how smug and evil I am.

So those are the big ones. I should also add a condensed list of honorable mentions. Things that occupy my brain most of the day:
*Its sunny out.
* My physical therapy is going well. I've been technically "normal" for the last few weeks, and my health has been a LOT better lately.
* My 23rd birthday is coming up on May 31st.
* I just ate a very tasty bagel.
* Whidbey Island is inching closer and closer. I'm-a see me some whales! Darn tootin'.
* Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out in only 54 days!!!!! Not that I'm counting down the days or anything...
* And, relatively less interesting but still noteworthy, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix comes out in 46 days.

So hopefully things slow down pretty soon and I can go back to blogging about stupid, unimportant things. Cause those are always the funniest anyways.

Ramblings and Tidbits

2007-03-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

'Tis been a long time since my last post. I've been mentally occupied for a while. WAY too much on my plate for the next 6 months. Stupid growing up and making life decisions.... *grumble*

So, I saw "300" yesterday, which is a good movie to see if you like watching 300 oily man-chests, and I'm sure you do, you sly boots.

I'm actually way more excited than I should be about the whole Daylight Savings Time switchover. Hey, if I can't have blue skies and sun then I might as well have another hour of clouds and rain. It will make me feel better about getting up at 10:00/11:00 and getting off from work at dusk. A girl can dream, right?

Minerva is sitting next to me. She keeps trying to sit ON the keyboard, ON my typing hands because she knows the keyboard is warm and wants to attack the noise of my typing. Must kill clicking noise!!!

I'm going to a monastary next Tuesday. No, no, I haven't "crossed over" or anything, don't worry your little heads. I have to go for a class. It's a field trip. A field trip to Lafayette, OR at 5:30 at night to a monastary. I hear they make fruitcake there.... Should be interesting. A month ago we went to a Buddhist temple in Portland, which was shweeet.

I've started looking at homes and condos and whatnot. I'm conflicted. Here's the conflict:
Do I try to find a new place soon, thus getting out of the apartment that effectively gives me cabin fever every goddamn day and risk nervous breakdown by adding to my already stressed out next few months or wait til things settle down more and keep getting cabin fever?
It's a tricky one. A tricky one that's a run-on sentence, and for that I apologize.

Well, my little chickadees, I'm sorry about the boring, uninspired post, but school has officially sucked out my brain. I'm running on fumes here. Brain fumes.

Squirrel Cheeks-Magee

2007-02-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, my little chickadees. It's been far too long since I've ranted about the inner goings-on of my life. For that, I humbly apologize.

So here's my excuse to bitch:

1. I have a 20-page research paper due Monday.

2. I only have 10 pages done.

3. I have to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday...

4. THUS I must finish my paper by Thursday night.

5. I have another paper, 5-7 pages, due Tuesday.

6. I am poor.

7. The apartment is a mess.

8. I'm in pain from my "condition" and need physical therapy once a week.

9. Physical therapy is really friggin' expensive.

10. And painful.

So there it is. I'm in full-stress mode. At least, for once, I KNOW I am in full-stress mode, and thus am able to laugh at it. Hah hah hah ha ha......

On a much lighter note I'm starting to plan my trip to Europe. People keep giving me ideas and opinions on where I should go and where I shouldn't go and all the cool people go here and that place is WAY overrated, but you know what? It's fucking Europe.

It doesn't matter how hard I try to make the destinations suck, they wont. I'll still be in Europe and not in Hillsboro.

Also, the Oscars are this Sunday. YAY!! Not only do I see just about every movie there is, but I love to bet on the winners, I get to wear a pretty dress and pretend I'm important, AND I get to eat tons of food and not feel bad cause everyone else around me is too. Excellent. Well... That is unless I still have "squirrel cheeks" from my surgery.... Damn you, wisdom teeth! And the appendix, the tonsils, and I'm pretty sure my gallbladder isn't doing anything for me either. Lazy bums.

UPDATE: I am in SOOOOO much pain. It was so bad last night. I took a whole Percocet, which for me is a lot, I don't have that much body mass, and it only curbed the pain for 1 hour. I have to wait 3 more hours to take another one, meanwhile my jaw feels like its being ripped off by a giant beetle. (I don't know where the beetle comes in, I just thought a giant beetle would be surly enough to rip off someone's jaw). I was crying! The thing was, I was so tired of feeling doped up I desperately didn't WANT to take more pills, but I could barely breathe from the pain.

Oh and that squirrel?....... Starting to strike a very eerie resemblance.... :(

I don't have a neato picture for this post. I'm sorry...

2007-02-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm not entirely positive on this (cause I somewhat tipsy) but I think I just got totally suckered into signing up for the "New Blogger". Now, as you may or may not remember, I have been diligently resisting the switch on principle, but I think they actually FORCED me to sign up.... I feel kind of like I've been raped. I had better get checked for STD's....

Anywho. I think you guys should watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFP0q4qzGw4

I was annoyed by it at first, but I let it go to the end out of curiousity, and it was pretty freakin' funny in the end. I also thought I should update all of you, my little chickadees, on the boringness that is my life.

I started physical therapy for a muscular problem I've been having, and let me tell you, I've officially been weirded out. Sarah, Emily, you'll hear about this tomorrow, I'm sure, if not then, then soon. And if you know me (which you do, cause you're reading this) then you know it takes a hell of a lot to weird me out.

On an unrelated note, its after 10 on a Saturday night and the weirdos of Portland are in rare form tonight. The crazy screams and squeals and grunts of the evening, occuring on the street outside my apartment, are especially interesting tonight.

That's pretty much it. Oh that, and, if you've been watching The Office you'll know what I'm talking about when I say this:
Yuck, Pam. That just ain't right... Shame on you. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

That's What She Said

2007-02-04T01:39:00.000-08:00

Hello, kiddos (Yes I realize you are all older than me. Shut up. It makes me feel important).

Gather round and I'll tell you a tale of epic proportions. Did you know that February 15 is national "That's What She Said" Day? Well it is. And that was the tale. A little anticlimactic, eh?

Anywho, I thought I'd impart to you my favorite That's What She Said moment. Sarah and Emily, you might remember this one:

One Sunday morning (around the crack of noon), I was complaining to James about how there hadn't been any good "that's what she said" moments lately, and that I've been looking for one.
Later, when we were at his family's Sunday dealio, we were talking about an upcoming "True Romance" party.
Emily asked me, "You'll be there, right?"
I replied, "Oh, you KNOW I'm gonna come."
It took me about 3 seconds to figure out what just happened and I blurted out "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" in the middle of their new conversation.

Oh that's glorious. So, when Feb. 15 rolls around and the romance of Valentine's Day has worn off, I want all of you, my little chickadees, to think with a dirty mind and try to find yourself a That's What She Said moment. Don't be afraid to say it outloud to the person, even if you're embarassed. Hell, I said it to my boss once. Happy trails!

On a related note:
I just watched the Tarantino/Tony Scott movie "True Romance". I hope your sex party goes better for you than the characters in the movie.
So much blood... Mwa ha ha ha.....

Eep!!!

2007-02-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

Holy crap. It's finally happened.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released July 21st.
So Sarah, mark your calendar for July 20 and start reading up, cause we've got a seriously nerdy midnight book release to attend. Drunk.

Squeeeeee!!!!!!

Side note: After being bored at work for about 5 hours with NOTHING to do, I decided to reread all the books. I then proceeded to calculate how many pages I would need to read every day to be finished the day before the new book comes out. I'll have to do 20 pages a day. Which surprised me, really. This is how I spend my time at work when nothing is going on. Pity me, please.... You know you're bored when you've lost interest in the internet. Doesn't it have, like, everything on it?

Pan's Labyrinth

2007-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is that this is my new favorite movie of the moment. I saw it twice in 2 days. Yup.

It's fucking awesome. That is all.

Back-Crackin' Goodness

2007-01-19T00:16:00.000-08:00

I've been wearing my snow boots too much lately. I know this because I have bruised the front of my ankles. The FRONT OF MY ANKLES??!?!? I dunno how these things happen to me.

Anywho, I had to walk to work today in my converse shoes because I couldn't stand the boot pain. And if you know anything about the incredible gripping power of converse (which I'm sure you do. This is, in fact, a Portland audience of three or four people I'm addressing here) then you know how fun it would be to walk in slush. Imagine me walking over a bridge in downtown Portland holding onto the side railing with BOTH hands, doubled over and slowly sliding my way across the bridge. People in gripped shoes were passing me on my right every 10 seconds or so. I felt stupid but at least I didn't fall on my butt. And I got to practice my death-glare, which was good, so...

I have a theory that James and I will never fully move into this apartment. It's eternally unfinished. I kind of like it that way though, considering the fact that both of us want to rent a house together when the lease is up next autumn. I figure the random un-unpacked crap will keep us on our toes. Oh, to have a house..... *deep sigh*.

Here are some pictures I thought I'd post. I took these with my brand spanking new digital camera. I know, "Welcome to the nineties, Ashley!"
Kiss my ass.

I like this one cause Minerva looks really annoyed. I would be too if my shoulders were being held up that close to my ears.

This is Stew with a gigantic nose. I think it really depicts his Beagality.

And this one I had to throw in for good measure. I call it "Hayden the Mermaid". It's quite beautiful, really.

(Note James' face in this picture. Excellent.)

Mermaid. It's another job we could add to his resume, Sarah :)

(Watch him grow up to be a total stud anyways. These are going to make great wedding pictures. He's going to hate me....... mwa ha ha ha!!!....*wrings hands*...)

Mrow.

2007-01-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

Minerva, the once-quiet kitten, has turned into a total chatterbox. She walks around the apartment talking to me (and sometimes to herself) about what she sees and thinks. It is damn cute and I find the need to "mrow" back at her so she doesn't feel ignored. So you can just imagine me talking to my kitten in her language all day long. Just chatting. Girl talk mostly. Usually goes something like this:

Minerva: "Mrow".
(wait, no response)
Minerva: "MrooOOOW????"
Me: "Mrow, Minerva"
Minerva: *prrr, prrr* Mrow. Mrow Mrow. Mrrrrooooooow. *walks around mrowing at each object*

Then if I don't respond she'll come bite my fingers as I type my blog entry (as in just a minute ago) and sqeak at me, like "why don't you love me??"

At which point I respond "Mrow, Minerva! Mrow!"
And she jumps in my lap and purrs. And tries to eat my hair.

If I must, I must...

2006-12-29T13:50:00.000-08:00

It is about time for New Years Resolutions, and I (like everyone else I know) am a seriously flawed individual. So, why not make the effort for self improvement, eh?? Riiiiggght...

1. Lose the 5 pounds of "holiday fat". How original, I know, but it is needed. Been feeling just a smidge too sluggish and gooey lately.

2. Keep the apartment clean. Yeah, I know, fat chance. But a girl can dream right?

3. Plan trip to Europe for next fall or spring of 2008. Woot woot!!

4. Decide what I want to do with my life, and my degree. Like that is really going to happen. But if its written here, maybe it will help the process along...

5. Do not break any more wine glasses. This will be a tough one, since in my home this is a favorite past-time, it seems.

That should do, for now. We will just have to wait and see how much of this actually gets accomplished.

PS. Doesn't Saddam look like the sad Teddy Bear? Odd....

Fergie is a Man

2006-12-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm convinced. And nothing you could say will sway my assumption.

That is all.

Enchilada Sauce and Toilet Paper (Not the connection you might think..... Sicko).

2006-12-18T13:35:00.000-08:00

The Magic Kitten has invented a fun new game. She likes to grab one end of the toilet paper and drag it all over the apartment.... Then shred it.... And eat it............ And make herself sick.

James discovered this new hobby one morning, and found it difficult to get mad at her, considering she was sitting on the couch, looking innocent and dumbfounded when he found the mess. Cause, you know, it might not have been her, right? I mean, she wasn't even at the scene of the crime, so there isn't a monopoly of evidence to suggest guilt.

Hmm.....

Well, Christmas is a week away and I'm nowhere near done shopping. In fact, half of the gifts I ordered online (avoiding the carnage that is the mall) have yet to arrive at my door. Minor panic ensues.

Oh, and I thought I'd mention something else. Since the dawn of time, I have eaten Mexican food. And occasionally, on such instances, I have been known to order cheese enchiladas. I've come to realize that EVERY time I do so, my throat kind of feels like its closing in on itself. I keep ordering them because I really like to eat them. (I'm like the toddler who tries to touch the burner a couple of dozen times, cause, you know... it could be NOT so hot this time, right???) Well, last night, as my throat closes in more than ever before, I have a revelation. Maybe I have an allergic reaction to enchilada sauce. EUREKA!!

Wow, I'm dense.

Now for some homework for all you guys out there in Bloggerton-
What is Ashley allergic to?

I highly doubt it could be the cheese, as cheese makes up about 89% of my daily food income. And I eat all other types of Mexican food without problem...

As a head-start, I'll post a common recipe for the sauce:

2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons chili powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1 (8-ounce) can tomato sauce
2 cups water
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

Hint: I have no KNOWN food allergies. The only known allergy I have is to sulfa-based medication.

Now.......... GO!!!

What the.... ?!?!?!?

2006-12-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

This picture of a man is funny. It doesn't actually pertain to me post in any way, but I like it.

I may be going crazy from sleep deprivation, but I swear I just saw two birds flying around outside my work window (maybe 5 blocks away) TIED TO-FREAKIN'-GETHER. I swear. At least I swear I think I saw it. This both puzzles and disturbs me.

On a seperate note, last night's episode of Dexter rocked my socks off. Literally. I ended up with one sock on the floor, and no recollection of how it happened. That's how good that show is. Plus I have a major celebrity crush on Michael C. Hall (the guy who plays Dexter). And to all of you who think he's creepy, well.... I think you're creepy. He's wonderful, serial killer and all.

Vampire is to Garlic, as Kitten is to __________

2006-12-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Alas, it is me, my young ones. Come to impart my omnicient wisdom upon you.
Or just ramble for a while because it's winter break at my work and NOBODY is coming in. I'm seriously considering bringing in a small model house to build for James' dad's fantastically splendiforous model train world. I really do have that much time.

Anyways back on topic now. There are 2 correct answers: cayenne pepper and orange peels.

I was looking up ways to keep the Magic Kitten from conquering the Towering Pine in the living room, when I stumbled upon a website that suggested red pepper powder (the hotter the better) and orange peel around the base and in the lower branches of the tree. I was skeptical about the pepper (she is a MAGIC kitten, you know, and must therefore be impervious to mere spices), but I really didn't want orange peel rotting in a tree in my tiny apartment. Sounds like a recipe for bugs. And if you were there on moving day, you know about the bugs...

Anywho, I tried the pepper, and let me say I have finally found a defense for the antics of Magic Kitten. She tries, don't get me wrong. But she always comes out sneezing and eyes watering, cursing the tree with her mysterious kitten magic. I fear for the tree, actually.

The funny thing is when I'm in another room and I hear a bit of rustling, and then I see her come around the corner, trying to play it cool and innocent as she looks like a maced protestor. I've got your number kitty.

I can't explain the glee I felt knowing I had defeated a true champion. I feel kind of like a gladiator. Only not the ones that get ripped a new asshole in the arena. That Russell Crowe one. Yeah....

Jury Duty

2006-11-21T16:52:00.000-08:00

Now I know I just complained to Sarah that I never get jury duty and I want it so bad and I need to fulfill my civic duty but....
I just got picked out for jury duty and I had to decline. You see, I live in what we call the "Mulnomah County", and the buggers who want me to decide some poor shmoe's fate live in the "Washington County". Alas.

Is it sick that everytime I think of "jury duty" I think of the horrible Pauly Shore classic, "Jury Duty"? Yeah, I guess it is.

Plus everytime I try to read "Prime Minister" my inner monologue reads "Prime Rib-ister". Odd.

I know what you're thinking...

2006-11-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

3 blog posts in one day? What's going on with this girl?
Maybe I'm just chatty. Gosh.

Just thought I'd tell everyone about the COOLEST website around, and my new best friend, TV Links. You can watch most tv shows from here, and its amazing. Granted, you can't download them, but still...
I need to get a more comfortable computer chair.

You can find it at http://www.tvlinks.voodeedoo.org
Prepare for some serious ass pain and crossed eyes.

UPDATE: I know I'm pretty slow on the uptake, but I just got into the Office and in the past 2 days have watched every episode so far. I love it now. And that was seriously like 12 hours of computer-sitting, but I didn't have anything better to do, so...

"Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be." - Michael

Serial Killers are Cool

2006-11-13T14:55:00.000-08:00

I'd just like to mention that "Dexter" is my new "favoritest show in the world". If you haven't seen it yet, do so (its on Showtime). So deliciously disturbing. I can honestly say I've never wanted to be best friends with a homicidal maniac before watching this show.
And now I do.

The Zombie Plan

2006-11-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking.

Halloween is over. Why would someone write a blog about zombies? They should be writing about turkeys or Christmas trees. But no. This is more important. As Nathan Fillion says in the gag reel of "Slither":
"You have to have a zombie plan!"

I couldn't agree more. I've spent much of my life training for the day when the dead will come alive. I do this by pretending that people walking around in the city are zombies, and I construct plans for my survival. You may think I'm crazy. Well, screw you. We'll see who lives through Z-Day.

So, you should all start thinking about what you'll do when the inevitable happens. I'm ready. Are you?

Oh, to be a Towel Boy

2006-11-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

Last night James and I went to a Blazers game (which was marvelous, by the way. They were down by over 20 points, then pulled ahead and won by 1 point in the last 5 seconds. Awesome.) and I decided that being a towel boy is hilarious.

These kids are about 14 years old, and they sop up sweat for fun. The funny part is watching them watch the players. They're so focused! You can see their little brains (sorry guys, I must assume there's SOMETHING going wrong in there) trying to anticipate just where, when, and how much sweat will fall. I pity them, really. These guys will probably grow up to be the dudes with the unfortunate job of cleaning up the "Viewing Room" at porn stores. Blech.

On the subjects of "funny" and "sports", I'd like to give a shout out to my favorite funny sport: Curling. Its the best sport around, let alone the best sport to watch during the Winter Olympics. I can't believe I have to wait over 3 years to see it again. This makes me sad.

"KEEP SWEEPING!!!!!!!"

UPDATE: It has recently been brought to my attention that Jon Powell was, in fact, a towel boy in college. I have been assured that he does NOT, however, work for a porn store.
Riiiiggggght.............

Holy Fumigation, Batman!

2006-11-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

The apartment was supposed to be gussied up yesterday. You see, when we moved in, the agreement was that the counters, linoleum, and shower would all be redone. Well, the linoluem was done, but the counters (for some reason unbeknownst to me) would cost us an additional $50 a month in rent- justfor them to repaint the top of them. So no counters. And the shower was to be redone on Monday before noon. So we prepare for the shower-men to come. They don't.

They show up today, without warning at 10:00 am (due to James' late night at work, he and I went to sleep at 4:00am, mind you, and both had busy days ahead of us and needed sleep). They need us to leave the apartment, and I have NO time to brush my teeth, put on makeup, or even go to the bathroom. So I go to work looking and smelling truly wonderful, I'm sure.

We were told that there would be fumes, but nothing too bad and they'd be gone by the time we got home tonight. Hmmm.....

I get home at 5:20 or so, and I'm walking down the hallway to the apartment. I smell something. It gets stronger and stronger as I walk toward the door. That can't be the shower, I think. That smells like a vat of chemicals was dumped onto the carpet. I open the door and WHOOOSH!! A wall of chemical stench hit me. I instantly run to see if the kitten is still alive, how could she live through this?!?! She did, the magic little kitty that she is.

So I've been trying to air it out, but its giving me a sore throat and my nose began pouring snot out. Plus I think I'm high right now. Not a good high either, like vicodin or pot. A bad high. Like huffing chemicals. I feel like a 5th grader trying to be cool. Only I don't want to be cool. I want to breathe, damnit!

So me and my magic kitty are sitting in here hoping we don't pass out and watching the Simpsons. Wish us luck...... and oxygen for that matter.

The Dalles Suck and A Last-Minute Kitty

2006-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

Ok so the deal with the kitty I planned to adopt was that they couldn't exactly hold her for me, but they knew I was coming Saturday, and would call me if someone else adopted her so I wouldn't have to, I dunno, say- drive all the way out there with my hopes up and not come back from a 3 hour round trip empty-handed?

So I get there at about 3pm on Saturday with Jenna and my dad. We pull in and the place is a sty. Literally. Actually I'm not positive, but it looked and smelled of pigs. Its a crappy, run-down, dark smelly old house with tons of cats running wild in every room. Scary. I walk in and say "Hey, we spoke, I'm here to pick up "Albie"." They look at me confused. One guy says, "Well we just adopted Albie out less than 2 hours ago." I said, "Then why on earth didn't you call me? We drove from Portland." They reply "we thought that was you". I say "Did you not ask them for their name?!?!" To which I got nothing but "oh, I'm so sorry" and blah-de-blah.

Now at this point I'm very angry. A) I'm not getting my kitty that I've been obsessing about for weeks. B) I just drove all the way out to the fucking Dalles. C) They lied to me. D) They tried to cover it up with more lies. E) I'm standing in the scariest, stinkiest cat-house in the world.
So, to make another sale, they start bringing other cats to me. Cats I don't want to see. Telling me they're also Maine Coons (they're very obviously not, by the way).
I stare off at a wall for a second contemplating exploding at them. I breathe. In the middle of one of the old hags asking me a question about a scrawny looking cat she's holding, I interrupt her, "I'm going to be going now". And walk away. My dad and Jenna follow without asking questions. They're smart.

But on the way home we stop at the Oregon Humane Society and fate decides to stop raining feces down upon me. I see a pile of Maine Coon kittens and a grab a girl, "Giada" and stake my claim. Good thing too, all her siblings were adopted within a half hour of me getting there.

SO- I have my Minerva. She's 10 weeks old (tiny!!!) and brown/gray, with a white belly and white eyeliner. She loves to play in water and purr on mine and James' laps. She's perfect.

And the Dalles will forever = Hell to me.

p.s. I'll post some pictures as soon as I can, but it might be a week or so. She looks a lot like the other girl, but smaller and even sweeter.

Its Official

2006-11-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

For all of you who have been DESPERATELY waiting for news on the "Kitty Situation", well, I've got news for you. As my title clearly states, its official. I'm going to pick up that lovely little Maine Coon babe on Saturday. Woot woot!
I bought all her stuff today, kind of as an insurance measure, to make sure that neither myself nor James backs out on this. As if this scenario would ever happen: "Well..... I really don't want that cute kitty anymore, but..... I guess I already have the litter.... and what am I going to do with all those catnip mice??? Guess I'd better go get her...."
Riiiiiiiiiggghhht. Nothing like catnip mice to stop you from simplifying your life, eh?

Anywho, I'm starting to hack up some genuinely tasty goo, so I think its NyQuil time. Sweet dreams!

Cause Everyone Should Know...

2006-10-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, the joke behind my title is a Simpsons quote (as is 99.3% of my daily dialogue. I know, its annoying to quote tv shows..... Shut up!!!). Its one of my favorite lines ever, and it goes like this:

Mr. Burns and Homer are playing golf. Homer picks up a club to guide his golf ball out of a sand trap.
Mr Burns- "No, no, no. Use an open-faced club! A sand-wedge!!"
Homer- "Mmm...... Open-faced club sandwich....*drool*"

So there you have it. Now, whoever you are, according to the laws I previously instituted, (see right under blog title) I love you. Yes, you. No, no..... not the guy next to you. That's right. You.

By the way, James now quotes The Simpsons more than I do. I've still got a good 15 years on him in Simpsons experience though...

Work Is For Jerks.

2006-10-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm at work right now, and I'm not too happy about it.

One of the whiny professors I work for got mad because the exam that he ordered copies for came back 3-hole punched. He huffed and puffed to my boss about it ( but she hates him too). I know, I know, God forbid your test is easier for students to keep in their binders!!! By the way I'm pretty sure that the copy request this guy filled out specified that he DID want it 3-hole punched. Jerk.

So, Halloween is 6 days away and my craving for horror movies is escalating by the hour. I think tonight might be the night for the first installment of "Ashley Watches a Horror Movie Thinking She'll Find it Entertaining but Ends Up Creeped Out All Night". There's usually several episodes of this series, ending on All-Hallows Eve. You'd think I'd learn.......

It's Almost Kitty Time! Woot Woot!!

2006-10-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've wanted a cat of my own for about.... well, forever, now, and I've alllllmoooost reached the point where I can get 'un. What am I waiting for, you ask? Why, a one-bedroom apartment, of course! I'm currently living in a teeny tiny studio that has no room for me, let alone a frisky feline. But as of next Wednesday I will be a one-bedroom apartment woman!!!

Of course I (and my boyfriend James) will wait a little while to get said kitten, and let ourselves adjust, but once I'm adjusted LOOKOUT!!! It's kitten time!

I want a Maine Coon, if possible. They sometimes get to be as big as that poor lady's fluffy beast, but more often than not they're only slightly larger than regular cats and they're AWESOME. They're like the kind of cats that people who hate cats and love dogs should own, cause they act more like dogs than cats and they're ultra laid-back.

If I get a girl I'll name her Minerva McGonagall, and if its a boy I'll call him Phillip Seymour Hoffman (Seymour, for short).

I can't freakin' wait.....

My First Blog tear

2006-10-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud. Not really, I'm generally morally opposed to things like this (it goes against my religion), but I have nothing to do at work and I just realized my religion doesn't exist. Now nothing separates me from bloghood but my own imagination!!! That makes no sense.

Halloween (also known as the COOLEST holiday ever) is coming up. I'm going to be roadkill. Not just any roadkill, but raccoon roadkill. I considered my other options, but none of them seemed to work: Possum - ew, Armadillo - how would I find a costume for that??, Skunk - I'd have to put up with annoying drunk people all night making jokes about me stinking. I'll have none of that.
So, raccoon it is. Plus, raccoons are kind of cute. In a mangy, disease-spreading, cat-food-stealing, garbage-eating kinda way. My raccoon's cute-factor will be hindered by a few details, however. I will be covered in dirt and gore and there will be tire tracks across my back. Sweeeeet. I'm very pleased with my costume.